Apparently random(ly) revived.

“Some days I wake up to monochrome mornings, acutely aware of the hole where you used to be, and I just want to stay unconscious so I don’t have to remember. But I still see you in my dreams. Other days I wake up and manage to fight through the gray, making my way through the day, experiencing a strange detachment, the kind where you feel numb and every sensation is 10% of how the world really is. It’s once in a while for you, maybe not even that, but for me it’s every day. Yours is fleeting, detached, distant and forgettable. I struggle with mine with every grain of time.”

-Author unknown.

and there are days,
i just dont care.

*i came across this somewhere…but did not have the sense to take down where i got it from. i’m sorry.*

i guess i dont need anything more than this to make it clear to me, as to where i stand.

I told myself i wouldn’t.
but i still did.
the floodgates were not as strong as i thought they were.
but its okay.
i feel no shame for feeling my emotions.
it only shows how human and real i am.
and how much u mean, meant to me.
this is my test.
my battle.
and mine alone to fight.
i cant expect u to share, feel, or even understand what i’m going through.
likewise for u.
i am sorry for how things turned out.
and whatever led to it.
u know i am. 
i may know whats going on now.
i may not.
and i have to just deal with it.
because i’m left with no choice in the matter.
anyhow.

i officially started work a week ago.
i’m officially employed.
11 years ago, i had just completed my first of Secondary school.
*pleasantly reminded by Miss R*
11 years later, i had just finished my first day of being gainfully employed.
spent the first 2 days at training.
had to wake up so very early to travel.
BUT.
that is nothing compared to what is in store for me when i have to travel to bloody NIE.
for now i shall enjoy my time in the afternoon session.

it has been a good run.
i do hope this marks the beginning of a long, fulfilling career to come.
i know my attitude has not been the most pleasant towards this per se.
but i’m sure it’ll get better.
hee hee.

i decided that i didnt want to do a recap of 2007.
it wasn’t exactly a fantastic year.
many things that i wished didnt happen, happened.
many many things.
but wishing things didnt happen does not serve any purpose.
i shall instead channel my energy towards making this year a good one.
hopefully, a better one.
i also hope i make everyone around me happy.
because i’ve had some of the most wonderful support and love the last few months.
i do hope i can return it somehow in kind.
and i do wish u all the very best.
much love.
always.

they’re gone.
my babies have gone back home.
and i miss them muchly.

met my lovelies for dinner today.
and they gave me the most awesome surprise bday gift.
a super gorgeous A3 photo collage.
i was so very touched.
and being such an emotional wreck that i’ve been, i almost started crying.
but i didnt.
i still did appreciate it muchly though.
and i got a bit the tipsy at ti-amo.

boo hoo.
i start work next week.
i dont want to.
but i have to.
boo hoo.
working life already sucks.
and it hasnt even started.
boo.

i’m out.

god.

postsecret just hits so many nerves.
on so many different levels.

you will never know. you made the choice.

its been a while.
good friends.
good food.
a fantastic chill out place that i was introduced to.
awesome drinks.
rather good prices.
a pink balloon.
lots of love to go around.
i actually finally felt myself start to feel secure.
its been a while.

How very apt.

“I started thinking about honesty.  Maybe the whole idea is overrated. Maybe coming clean is the ultimate selfish act; a way to absolve yourself by hurting someone who doesn’t deserve to be hurt”
                     *Carrie Bradshaw, Sex And The City*

I totally plagiarised this. Thank you very much dear.

it crept up upon me. like a silent predator. its been stalking me. i know it. it came over me and with a sure hold, it gripped my heart. Shocked by the severity of it, tears spring to my eyes. i fight it. i bite my lips in an effort to get my darned emotions and thoughts under control. i dont want to succumb.

i feel no more.

the birthday came and went.
was pleasantly surprised by those near and dear.
a huge bouquet of the most gorgeous roses.
and wonderful presents.
and the celebrations were staggered over 4 days.
had dinner with various lovelies.
and there should be more to come.

i want to feel again.

i am in a state of ennui.
or rather have been for a while.
and do not know for how long more i will be.

i just finished the book.
it was emotional.
i cried through some of the pages.
but it was a really good read.
it stirred up a barrage of chaotic emotions as i read it.
so many lines struck me as i read it.
took my breath away,
made me go back and read it again.
and again.

i want to read another book.
i lost the interest for a while.
and it felt so good to voraciously lap up the words.
to slowly sink into a world where its only me, and the words of the book.
to walk in the steps of the characters.
to feel their feelings.
to share their joy and their pain.

i always believed it was a gift to be able to write.
i still do.
and i’m envious.

wordpress has been sulking with me for a while now.
been refusing to let me login for a few days.

managed to clear my marking on thursday.
finally.
after spending all my free periods and my nights marking.
it is done.

i need a new look.
hair.
wardrobe.
outlook.

been reading this book.
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.
very nice.
depressing.
but true.
and nice.

compromise.
its a funny thing no?
why do we try to compromise.
why do we have to compromise.
it is so difficult to keep compromising.
its funny no?
how we come up with ways and means of justifying our actions.
repeating it enough times to ourselves till the point we believe it to be true.
then justifying it to others.
and simply refusing to accept the alternative point of view.
and refusing to admit that we might have been wrong.
because after all, everyone believes that they are entitled to say whatever they wish.
and they also believe that they are entitled to get offended at what others say to them that they deem to be inappropriate.
i mean, how can one person tell someone else that its wrong of them to get upset at something that was said to them?
its all so complicated.
and so cyclical.
i am surrounded by stubborn people.
i am a stubborn person.
how then do i reach a compromise without feeling i’ve given up and lost a certain part of my value?
how then can i expect someone else to do the same?
this whole growing up thing,

it sucks.